Home' Afloat : AFLOAT May 2015 Contents 34 AFLOAT.com.au May 2015
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the confined space of the head, only to stop under your foot.
Chose not to wear protective boots didn’t we? Smart yachtie.
Remove the floor, or decking for those of a nautical bent,
complete with toilet attached. Apart from making you feel good,
this also has the advantage of giving ‘easy’ access to the four
huge and corroded bolts that hold the blessed urn to the boat.
Carefully and lovingly hurl the now disconnected toilet out on
deck. Oh dear, did I forget to tell you to disconnect the power
cables from the toilet? Now there’s a bother!
Next open the hermetically shrink-wrapped, armoured,
bullet-proof outer case containing the new toilet using the ship’s
chainsaw before slicing open the inner case with the ship’s
machete*. Place new toilet where once sat the old toilet.
(*Yachties are exempt from legal prohibitions applying to
lesser mortals restricting the carrying of knives, axes, cutlasses,
boarding pikes (described as boat hooks in the manifest)
machetes, bolt cutters and bayonets under the Freedom of the
Seas Act (1588), an Act many border-collies, customs and excise,
police, and SWAT officers appear unaware of. (Oh dear ... I have just
committed a crime. I just ended a sentence with a preposition!)
But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes. We now have a shiny
new toilet ready to install. Photograph it on your ‘smartphone’.
Look and admire its clean and pristine condition because such
a condition will not last the setting of the sun.
I am not a religious person despite being Welsh, but now
is the time to pray. Pray that the holes in the floor from which
the old toilet has so recently been rudely ejected match the
mounting holes in the new toilet and have not been subjected
to metrication or any other tampering with God’s measurements.
It fits! Hallelujah! The Power of Prayer!
Now replace floor using an appropriate level of violence and
Next connect up wiring harness to motor. This will require
you placing your head in the clean new toilet bowl and getting
your fingers to go further than any fingers have gone before and
connecting the red wire to the red wire on the connecting block
and the black to the black. Yes, I AM colour blind but if I can do
it so can you! Come on! Pull yourself together. Don’t lose your
head (yes, I know, another pun) and keep your pecker up!
Next put detergent on the discharge ports. While this makes
everything slippery, it does remove the bloodstains. It also helps
the pipe slip on. Place hose clamp on the appropriate inlet or
Are you paying attention? Do the inlet pipes first if you prefer
but make sure each pipe goes up the right orifice.
Gently heat hose with heat gun. Be aware that at this point
in time, the hose clamp will have slid down to the exit nozzle
unnoticed adjacent to where the heat gun is pointed. Thus the
hose clamp has now become red hot. Remember – where did
you put the Aloe vera?
Push the softened hose over the discharge port. Place hot
clamp five millimetres from the end of the extremity hose recently
jammed as far as possible over the discharge port and tighten
What is sufficiently I hear you ask? Ah dear neophyte toilet
installer you will find out. If the hose becomes strangled like a
cobra from Raiders of the Lost Ark, that is too tight and start again.
If the hose flies free when the toilet is used in earnest, then get
Earnest to replace it properly.
Now sit down and try it out. Oh, you did open the seacocks
didn’t you? Don’t forget to close them when you leave the boat.
More ships have been sunk by an errant head seacock than even
Nelson managed to sink in his short career*.
* Vice Admiral Horatio Lord Nelson was indeed a short 5’6” in
stature, but about average for the time he lived. In metric (and since
he was fighting the French who were determined to impose metric
measurements on us we should not refer to his height in metres) he
still stood 5’6”. Greenwich Museum, Greenwich, London.
Too hot – note strangulation mark.
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